Pat Heston

I folded laundry this morning only to discover that I had lost yet another sock, victim of the in-house Bermuda Triangle otherwise known as the clothes dryer. It was part of my favorite sock tandem. I felt it called for an appropriate obituary.

Mr. A. Black Sock passed from the laundry room dryer into the great unknown after a lengthy and heated tumble at his home in Alton, Illinois, where he had lived since arriving from WalMart on June 22, 2019. He was aged 3 years, 321 days, or—in human terms—he was 89.

He is survived by his longtime mate Black Dress Sock who, ironically,

shared the same birth date and year. They were joined in un-holey cotton by a textile worker in Manchester, New Hampshire on the 23rd of June, 2019, after which they were inspected by #14, attached to a plastic hook, and shipped to the Midwest.

In addition to his mate of more than fifty years (in human terms), Mr. Sock is survived by siblings too many to mention, as well as by three cousins—A. Blue Sock of Master Bedroom Dresser, A. Dark Grey Sock of the Spare Bedroom Shelf, and A. Nother Black Sock left in the dryer. All three cousins have also lost mates. Other survivors include three birth children: Bay B. Sock, Tod Ler Sock, and Ath Lete Sock, as well as two adopted children, Fray Ing Sock and Cling Ing Sock.

A. Black Sock was preceded in dryer death by his grandparents A. Darned Sock and Linen (Hose) Sock, his parents A. Black Sock, Sr. and Frilly (Dress) Sock, as well as one older sister Ank L. Sock; and two older brothers Stink E. Sock and Mold E. Sock.

Mr. Sock was recently employed by a retired pastor in Alton, Illinois, usually showing up at church services every Sunday. He was chairman of the Alton chapter of Support Socks International, Vice President of the Anti-Toe-Nail League, and was believed to be a member of Barefooters Anonymous.

Services are scheduled for February 4, 2023 at the Church of Sockland, 1127 Boot Sock Boulevard, at 11:00 AM. Officiating will be Reverend Footsy Anklet. Dress socks are recommended, with old-fashioned spats optional. The casket—with thanks to the dryer—will be both open and empty.

In a recent interview with the Threadbare Gazette, Reverend Anklet addressed the issue of the excessively high rate of dryer loss in the sock community.

“It seems like every day,” he said, “that there is another report of a sock gone missing from a dryer. When I was a kid, it seldom happened. Of course, we had outside clothes lines and wooden clothes pins back then. Life was simpler and socks were safer. Air drying was natural, as God intended. It seems that with the advent of electric dryers, socks have been disappearing in droves—yet, strangely, only one at a time. In almost smacks of conspiracy, kind of an anti-sock vendetta. Stay safe out there.”